8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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