I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
