he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
