i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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