just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
