I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
