Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
