Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
