Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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