Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
