Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
