listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
