I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
