his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
