The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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