I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
