omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
