everyone is single if you try hard enough
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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