When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
