I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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