It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
