we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
