Welp...herpes.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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