At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
