god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
