Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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