textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
