The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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