I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
