I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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