I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
