Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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