so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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