It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
