Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My pussy is not your playground.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
