there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
