seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
