omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
zippers are such a cool invention
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
