Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We have started to decorate penises.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
