I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
