Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
