I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
