the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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