I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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