First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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