So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
