ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
