Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
