I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Less talking, more tequila
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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