The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
