my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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